I think that losing a relationship is a lot like grief. That person who was once a huge, constant part of your life is no longer there, gone, usually very suddenly and sometimes without warning. You know you won’t see them again, you know their journey in your life is over.
So finally, after starting this blog 2 months ago and after a year and 6 months since my world ended, I am finally here, writing the last page of this particular story in my life.
We could not move on, or split up until these questions were answered. He agreed and that night I set out writing my list, of almost 50 questions, the answers to two of these questions forced both of our hands and finally forced us to face the inevitable.
Now imagine these statements being shouted constantly for hours at a time – that’s what my inner voice was like for a solid month when I was trying to navigate my way out of my breakdown.
If you have ever experienced issues with your mental health I am sure you can relate to the fact that it feels like you are fighting a battle. They are ferocious, bloody, hot and intense, with no sign of stopping. You are exhausted but despite this you continue to fight.
So after the initial blood bath at 6am in the morning, we kind of just carried on as normal, we got breakfast, packed our cases, tried where humanly possible to not be in the same room as each other, and tried to make small talk – how many times can 2 people say “I can’t believe it snowed in Vegas”. Eventually we both gave up and slipped into a painful silence, which ensued for the next few days, weeks and months – I was exhausted.
I thought the elephant was my mental health – I was paranoid, desperate, needy. However late on our last night in Vegas, after too much alcohol, alone in a cheap (but extortionately expensive) dark Vegas hotel room, 6000 miles from home, sitting on the floor, with my husband passed out in bed I found out the elephant was actually another woman.